A Very Unexpected, Suicide Space Exploration Program
by Kream45
Summary: Symmetra gets wasted with Lucio and they both pass out from being too stoned. When they wake up, a series of weird events happens, which ends up having them being stuck in a different galaxy.
1. Chapter 1 - Shrooms

_/cover photo by red-roka on Tumblr :0/_

 **/This story is perfectly normal. There is nothing unusual about it./**

 **/.../**

 **/Just kidding, it's weird as fuck./**

It was a late evening in Dorado. Symmetra was scrolling through multiple pages of anthroplanes hentai pictures on DeviantArt, when Lucio jumped into her room.

"Symmetra!" He yelled, "Stop watching those silly pictures and come with me!"

Symmetra switched from the tab with anthroplanes hentai to another one, this time with FNAF hentai.

"I can't live without hentai, Lucio, and you know it." She said, "What's more important than hentai?"

"Well, they're opening a new Taco bar right next to our base. And they have tequila, so…"

"You just want to make me drunk and use me for your perverted needs."

"Yes, that's exactly what I want."

"Cool, let's go then."

They went out of her room, jumping up and down and laughing, like little kids. Then Torbjorn appeared out of nowhere.

"Hello there, Lucio. And you too, Symmetra." He said.

"Hi there dwarf, what's up?" Lucio asked.

"Hey Lucio, it's not nice to call someone a dwarf." Symmetra told him, "It's better to say he's a midget."

They both laughed at Torb.

"Haha, very funny." Torb pretended to laugh, "At least it would be, if I didn't hear that joke for the millionth time I see you two together."

Then he pulled a blueprint from his anus.

"Take a look at this."

He showed them the blueprint, which showed plans of a new teleporter.

"What the fuck is this?!" Symmetra got mad, "Who made this? I thought I was the one who does teleporting in this fucking organization!"

"I made this blueprint based on the plans I stole from your office." Torb said and laughed.

Lucio got angry at him.

"You shouldn't have stolen her work. That's not nice. A decent person would not do that." He said.

"Well, I'm not a decent person then." Torbjorn laughed even more, "And the best part is, that it' far better than Symmetra's teleporter!"

Symmetra looked at him in shock.

"Yeah, you heard that, m'lady. It's BETTER! Because it's range is unlimited and only requires you to build an entrance, without having to go to the place you want to go and building the exit there."

Lucio and Symmetra were confused.

"So basically, you can choose where you want to go when you go through the entrance?" Symmetra asked.

"Yes. You think of the place you want to go, go through the portal and bam, you're there." Torb answered, "Well, I guess that's it for the explanation. I have to finish the prototype today. See ya!"

And then he went away.

Symmetra was sad :c She was no longer of use for her team.

Lucio saw her sad face and wanted to make her happy.

"Hey, Symmetra, don't worry. You're still credit to team!"

"Yeah? How? My teleporter was the only thing that was actually any good in my toolkit."

"What about your turrets? They're cool."

"They're weak as fuck, they only look cute."

"How about your shields? They can save someone from a death blow!"

"Don't make me laugh."

"And what about your chair that you summon and sit on it? It's very comfy, I sat on it once and thought: 'Damn, this is a one motherfucking comfy chair!' "

"…"

Symmetra's mood wasn't improving.

"Oh, how about that: You've got the finest ass in the entire Overwatch cast!"

"Yeah, I think that's true." Symmetra agreed and smiled, "I mean, have you seen Mei? She's cool and all, but her ass is the size of a big watermelon!"

"Yeah, haha!" Lucio laughed, "Not even mentioning Zarya!"

"Wait, I thought Zarya was a guy!"

They laughed and had a good time talking shit about the others. They went outside and stepped towards the new taco bar Lucio mentioned before.

Some Mexican dude greeted them at the entrance.

"Hola! Para el desayuno yo como pan con mantequilla y queso!"

Symmetra smiled and shook his hand. Lucio didn't, he just made a weird grin on his face.

"We're also very happy to be here, dear Mexican friend!" Symmetra said.

"Si, si, mis cojones son más grande que su cerebro!"

Lucio punched this guy in the face and he evaporated into thin air.

Then they both entered the bar and approached the barman.

"Hey mate, two tacos for us, one extra spicy, plus two bottles of tequila." Said Lucio, as the barman was noting.

"Oh, and a small portion of magic mushrooms, please." Symmetra added.

Lucio stared at her.

"Whoa, Symmetra, hold on a second. You're gonna make me eat shrooms like the last time? Remember how it ended back then?"

"Yeah, we both went into killspree and destroyed a couple of districts in Numbani. It was fun!" she said.

"Yeah, but if Overwatch didn't buy us out of the jail before a death sentence, it would not be so funny."

Then some Mexican dude brought two tacos and two bottles of tequila.

Lucio and Symmetra started drinking and eating. Lucio took the extra spicy one. When they finished eating, Lucio felt something weird in his stomach, so he farted very hard, destroying the wall and half of the building behind him.

They were thrown out of the bar by force.

"Hey! What about our shrooms?" Symmetra yelled, and someone threw a small package of shrooms at her face and shut the door.

Lucio got up and helped Symmetra get up.

"Well, it didn't go too well." He stated, "I hope at least that you finished your Tequila."

"Yeah, I did." She said, "Let's get dizzy now!"

They ate the shrooms and something weird happened.

After two minutes, they woke up completely naked, lying by their base's parking, and saw multiple buildings ruined around them. They heard a fire being put out somewhere close, police driving everywhere and rioters in the streets.

Then they saw a couple of gay porn magazines around them and a bunch of bananas and several cans of whipped cream.

Lucio and Symmetra got up and put on their clothes, which lied conveniently next to them.

"So, yeah." Lucio took a look around, "The others won't be happy."

"Yup." Symmetra scratched her head, "I think we're done here at Overwatch."

"You think so? What am I going to do now?"

"You can always return to the music business."

"Nah, I grew bored of that."

"Well, I think I'll start applying for a job in the porn industry." Symmetra stated, "With a fine body like this, every horny boy in India will fap to me being gangbanged by masculine guys."

"Hey, don't say that!" Lucio said, because Symmetra was about to cry, "We can run away, together!"

"Haha! Yeah, that would be cool!" she said and laughed, "Where would we run away to?"

"Anywhere!" Lucio said, laughing, "Even on a different planet!"

"Hahaha! That would be insane!"

 _At the same time…_

Torbjorn was sitting by his desk, doing some engineering.

"Whoa, fuck me, I've spent over 10 hours making this bitch, but it finally works now!"

He looked at the teleporter he built and turned it on.

"Yeah, that looks nice. Now I just don't want to enter that. I wouldn't be able to return if I ended up somewhere far away from here!"

He felt really hot from the work.

"Shit, it's so hot in here that my ass is sweating like Roadhog on a beach! I need to open the window."

He opened the window, but he tripped and accidentaly threw the teleporter out of the window.

"Well, there goes my 10 billion fucking dollars worth prototype."

 _Back again to Lucio and Indian chick…_

"Yeah, that would be cool!" Lucio said, "Just imagine us being on a different planet in a different solar system in a different fucking galaxy!"

"Kek! You're so funny, Lucio!"

And then the teleporter fell down onto them and sucked them up into a different galaxy, right before it crashed into tiny pieces.

 **To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2 - Lost in space

/ **This chapter raises the bar for dumb, pointless shit-stories./**

Lucio and Symmetra hit the ground hard. They got up and didn't know what the fuck was going on. They were no longer in Dorado, that for sure.

"Hey Symmetra, I don't think we're in Dorado anymore…" Lucio said.

"Yes, that's what the narrator just said." She responded, "But where are we then?"

They took a look around. There was a jungle surrounding them, dinosaurs were walking here and there and the sky was covered in multiple planets, stars and galaxies.

"Dafuq?" they both said at the same time. Lucio made a few steps and accidentaly kicked a piece of metal.

"Hey look at this shit." He said and picked up the piece, "What's that?"

Symmetra took a look at the peculiar piece of metal.

"It looks like… a part of a teleporter!"

"Omg!"

"Yes! My theory is that Torbjorn accidentaly dropped the teleporter out of his window and it sucked us into a different galaxy."

"Whoa, how did you come up with this?" Lucio asked.

"Well, I don't know. I also had a theory that we died and we're in hell or heaven now, but it sounds a bit far fetched."

They both took a little walk around to get familiar with the environment. But then, Lucio stepped into a dinosaur shit.

"Oh, man! My new boots!" he screamed, and his scream attracted nearby raptors, who attacked them.

They had to defend themselves, so Lucio put his sound blaster into a mouth of one raptor and destroyed its head with his blast.

Then, Symmetra started to jump around like crazy, attaching her beam to every raptor and killing them fast.

"Yay!" she said, "We killed them!"

But then they got hungry.

Lucio looked at Symmetra and she looked at him.

"What, why are you staring at me like that?" Symmetra asked him.

"You know, I'm pretty hungry…" Lucio's animal instincts took over him.

"Are you crazy? You want to eat me?" Symmetra said, she was pretty scared.

"Yeah, why not?"

"Because there are these freshly-killed raptors over here, hello?"

Lucio jumped on one of the raptors and used his teeth to rip its flesh into tiny pieces. Symmetra's done the same, and she took multiple bites of another raptor, piercing its hard skin with her teeth like a true predator.

They spent a couple of weeks on the planet. Their days always started with a healthy copulation, then they killed and ate the local fauna and moved to another cave. Soon, they ate all the dinosaurs on the planet.

After another couple of days, Symmetra, who was just feasting on Lucio's carcass, heard a familiar sound.

It was Torbjorn and Mercy, who teleported there. Torbjorn was holding another teleporter with him.

"Torb, why is there so many rotting dinosaur corpses lying everywhere?" Mercy asked.

"Well…" Torbjorn responded, "Maybe because they died? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

Then they saw Symmetra, who was looking at them, with blood oozing from her teeth, madness in her kneeling right next to Lucio's dead body.

"Uhh, umm…" Symmetra wiped the blood of her hands into her dress, "I can explain!"

Then Torbjorn shot a lava ball into her head, killing her instantly.

"Now, Mercy, do your thing." He said, and Mercy used her magic to resurrect Lucio and Symmetra.

"Oh, wow, I thought I was dead!" Lucio took a quick look at his body, "What the fuck happened?"

"I'm sorry, Lucio." Symmetra said, "I attacked you from behind and killed you. After that, I ate your dead body."

Mercy laughed.

"Don't you guys think it's funny?" she started, "To think you could eat someone and then I could resurrect that person! World Hunger, go fuck yourself!"

They looked at her and she was confused.

"What, why do you look at me like that?"

"Guys, you think of what I'm thinking?" Torb said, reloading his shotgun.

"Yeah, dwarf, do this." Lucio said.

Symmetra licked her lips.

Mercy ran to the teleporter, but Torb fried her with his lava and she was dead.

They ate her, but then they realized something terrible.

"Hey guys, now let's ask Mercy to resurrect…" Symmetra stopped and gasped, "Oh, shit."

Torbjorn then grabbed Mercy's staff.

"Hey guys, don't you think if we learn to use this, we could potentially resurrect her?" he said.

Lucio thought for a bit and came up with an idea.

"Hey, why don't we stick it into her ass?" he said.

"U w0t m8?" Torb was confused.

"Lucio, what you're saying is called necrophilia, and it's really creepy."

"As if cannibalism wasn't creepy enough, right?" Lucio responded, "But we don't have any other option."

"We have." Torb said, "We can return home, read the manual for her staff and return here to resurrect her."

But then Lucio grabbed Mercy's staff and, without any hesitation, inserted it into its owner's anus.

The ground shook for a moment, and after a second, Mercy popped out out of nowhere, and her corpse disappeared.

"Whoa, that was weird." She said, "I was just smoking the finest weed with Jesus up above, when you guys resurrected me.

They apologized to her and decided it was time to leave this planet.

Torbjorn set up his teleporter on the ground and they were about to go back on Earth, when Lucio said something stupid:

"Hey guys! But what if the dinosaurs come back to life for some reason and use this teleporter to go to Earth?" he said.

"Yes, you can be right…" Mercy said, "It's very possible that those dead dinosaurs will come back to life, and out of all places in the entire universe, they would go to Earth."

"Hey guys, I think it's a bit dumb what you're saying." Symmetra sighed, "How could these dinosaurs…"

Torbjorn then reloaded his shotgun.

"We must protect Earth from dinosaurs!" he screamed and destroyed the teleporter into tiny pieces.

"TORB YOU IDIOT!" Symmetra screamed.

"Oops ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

Lucio and Mercy realized what just happened and were about to cry, when Symmetra calmed everyone down.

"Okay guys, we can still return home if we do one thing."

"What is that?" Torb asked.

"We will repair the teleporter from the pieces."

They all liked that idea and started working. But it turned out that repairing a high-tech device by sticking together millions of pieces (by using dry shit as glue) was not the best idea ever, and they spent 10 years repairing it.

"Okay, now let's turn it on!" Torbjorn said, whose beard was 10 times longer than it was before.

They clicked a button on the teleporter, and it started making weird, coughing noises.

"Hey guys, I don't think it will work, you know…" Mercy said, whose hair turned black from all the dirt and shit around.

"Yeah, I've already lost my all hope, like, the moment we started repairing that piece of shit." Symmetra added, and she was very depressed.

"I think it will work, I have a good feeling." Lucio said, whose face was as stupid as always.

Then the teleporter exploded and the blast sent them back on Earth. They crashed onto Roadhog.

"OMG!" They screamed, "We're home!"

"But, how…?" Mercy wondered. And then, they saw Roadhog.

"OMG WE KILLED HOG!" Lucio screamed.

"I'll never forgive myself!" Torb cried.

"Hog, you will be missed!" Symmetra added.

"Hey guys, you remember I can resurrect, right…?" Mercy sighed and resurrected Roadhog.

"Lol, thanks, Mercy." He said, "And we haven't seen you all in like 10 years, what the fuck."

And then they explained it all.

"Wow." Roadhog nodded, "This is a really interesting story."

They all went to eat some tacos and then they all went to meet their friends from Overwatch, which was disbanded years ago and they all became hobos.

They met together and they all became Pokemon trainers and started their adventure, just to get shat on by a giant, mutated Pikachu on their first day.

 **THE END**

 _Hey guys I hope you didn't get ass cancer from reading this story. Write a review and tell me what you think about it._

 _+5 to respect if you include "_ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) " _in your review._

 _+5 to being a fag if your review won't be funny._

 _+10 to unoriginality if you just say: "What the fuck was that." or something like that._

 _See you!_ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


End file.
